How wonderful life is, now you're in the world...

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now your in the world…
("Your Song" from Moulin Rouge)

Baby Roxy Ka'olinaokapuaalohulukupuna Temara Nae'ole 

pure love. 

Holding this little girl and understanding the same love my own parents feel for me.  This moment is to both of our parents, especially with this little baby arriving. I could spend the rest of my life trying to show my parents how much I love, appreciate, and care for them, and yet all of my efforts will still never be enough for me to let them know how much they mean to me.
I could not be a fraction of the parent that my own two parents ever are, they are literally the epitome of selflessness, love, and kindness. Their traits totally passed onto my sisters, while I got…….…..the exact opposite :-/  They stayed back home here in Hawaii, for the past month just for this little girl's arrival. 

To the greatest parents in the whole world:
Thank you. We've got big shoes to fill. I love you so much.

She's mine. 

My own. 

My precious. 

(I did just quote, Smeagol)

My little baby: You are loved. You ARE love.  
I complained about every pregnancy symptom there was, especially being swollen. Women are amazing, and I have a huge new found respect for what our bodies can do. Practicing making babies is so much fun, but making the baby in your body is not so much.

We had the best birthing/labor team ever. Baby Roxy's grandma's, Papa Snow, Aunty Dani, Aunty Nahe, and Cousin Bella were all there to be support and push me along when I was pushing (for 2 loooong hours). I couldn't have asked for an easier birthing, although being in labor for 12 hours the entire night-time at home, and not even realizing those horrible contractions were real labor didn't feel so great. 

I love my Kuikala. 

I could not have asked for a better support while I was birthing. My baby girl is lucky to have such a good-looking and loving daddy. 

I am so lucky to be so loved. Incredibly loved. 

I had a trip to the hospital the day before I gave birth (false labor), and my best friend was able to come with me, drive with me, and drive all the way out to Haleiwa to fulfill my Waialua Bakery Cravings before I went in to the hospital (only to get sent back home).

I'll probably quit Facebook sometime soon, or just use it for my LSN-Hawaii bookings. 

More privacy, raise my kid, and not bombard my day with endless status' or life-changing stories/videos. 

One of my close friends posted this article that I thought was completely relevant to how I've been feeling for the past few months:

"What Oversharing on Facebook means about you"

I want to document our lives in my personal scrapbook (do normal non-Utah-living people still make actual scrapbooks these days?). Either way, I'll probably just end up sticking to instagram or tumblr.  

“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

This moment, this love, this time now. I'm not just happy, but I feel so peaceful. I realize that when I get home, it won't be so peaceful and I'll be a zombie for the rest of the my life. However, right now is one of those moments of inner peace for me.

This is my life. Mine.

PAU

Half-Mom - for mom day

Quick catch up:

1. Moved back to Oahu this past weekend to start our bebe "nesting"
2. On Maternity leave as of last week Thursday (May 1)
3. New home on the beach
4. 34 weeks as of yesterday

It's a decent backyard :)

There's nothing quite like being pregnant……..at the BEGINNING of summer :-/

• Always swollen & fluid retention: Feet, toes, hands, legs, etc.,.
• Living up my last month and a half of looooong uninterrupted sleep for the next few years
• Still no crazy cravings….but every excuse to scarf down acai bowls
• CARPAL TUNNEL
• Who knew putting on shoes could be so challenging, let alone bending forward to grab anything off the ground
• Constant Heat Flashes (glad it's not menopause), but ALWAYS hot!
• My outings are centered where the nearest bathrooms are so I can take a leak every half and hour

In about a month or so, I'm going to be a mom. 

A MOM! 

I don't have stretch marks……..YET……. and when they kick in these next few weeks, I'm still gonna wear my two-peice to the beach. I don't care if my body is stretched out or if I'm flabby. It's a miracle I'm pregnant so I'm gonna rock my swimsuit and still get on my surfboard, regardless of how my body looks.  It's whatevs. 

AND

Mother's Day. 

I don't feel know if I can celebrate this holiday because she's not born yet. So I'll just say I'm a half mom, and when she's born then I'll be a full mom :-)

To be completely honest, I'm more scared to be a mother than I am excited.  I know what I want her to wear, the kind of style I have in mind, and every type of Petunia Pickle Bottom Baby bags…….but ask me how to feed a baby, find diaper sizes, or hold an infant properly, and I have no clue. I have so many hesitations and doubts about my 'mom' abilities. Moreso, I'm afraid I won't be a fraction of the kind of mom, my mama is. . 

I'm not gonna write a post on generic, flattery adjectives about her, or the usual: "I have the best mom in the world" or "my mom is better than yours" or "to the most amazing woman on earth" and blah blah blah…..I'd rather just write about what my mom has done for me.  

Dancing is one of the only talents/traits we have in common. I love watching her dance. She can also sing (as do all of her siblings - sing so beautifully too). My cousins inherited those singing abilities (Sikas, Ishibashis, Kanaheles) while us Snows, well, negative on us trying to harmonize or attempting to sing out loud. 

My mom and her siblings (from left to right: Uncle Keenan, Aunty Tina, Aunty Jolene, Aunty Jeniel, My mom, uncle Juney)

My mom and I are opposite ends of the spectrum. I've given my mom so much grief, stress, and what little grey hairs she may have, are probably from me. All of us kids have gone through our rebel days, its just that mines left, AND came back AFTER I became an adult, and those "days" turned into the past few years. Yet, despite being her 'prodigal' child, my mom has never failed to love me, and let me know that she'd always be there to be my mom.

After my senior year of high school, I seldomly talked to my mom or my dad.  My parents were planning a move to Utah and literally left after my graduation ceremony ended because they had complicated house building plans and blueprints to sort out there while I was still at Kamehameha.  For so many selfish reasons, I refused to want any part of my own family, and wouldn't even care to talk to my parents or my mom when they were struggling or going through a hard time themselves. I alienated my own self since I was still stuck here in Hawaii being stubborn and resenting them for being so busy working and building a house in another state.  I convinced myself for years that they didn't care about me, any of my school or other senior year accomplishments because they weren't really involved, or they were flying back and forth to the mainland to sort out house stuff, leaving me with Darah at home. 

In fact, after I graduated, I had convinced myself that they didn't care about me at all. All because of my ignorance and resentments from high school. 

Most of my college life felt like that until I got engaged and hastily married. 

During those years, my parents still loved me and supported me even if they didn't approve of my decisions.  

After I moved to Australia, I felt the most lonesome I've ever felt in my life. 

It was depression on a whole different level. Not necessarily due to my marriage because my then-husband worked really hard to provide, but because I realized how incredibly valuable my family were, when I was in another country and had NONE. 

My parents flew down for my temple sealing in Brisbane. 

And during those two weeks they were there, my heart was incredibly softened, and then I felt so terrible for how I'd treated them for the past 3 years prior to me getting married.  My mom held my hand and even comforted me the entire time, and I bawled my eyes out when they had to leave.

It made me realize that all those years I'd resented them for missing out on me going into college life, and adulthood, that I'd forced myself to easily forget ALL the things they'd worked so hard for to help me and to show me how much they love me.  

When we moved back to Hawaii, my dad and mom commuted for 4-5 hours daily from Turtle Bay into Hickam (my dad got a 2 bedroom condo and lived with us) just so that we would have a place to live for free, and would be taken care of while we were adjusting moving back home and going to school. 

When my marriage ended, my mom had not one negative thing or comment to say about us. She just listened to me cry or vent for hours, and wouldn't say a hurtful or negative word about any of the situation or people involved. Instead, she was even more loving and compassionate to me and to him, and offered any kind of love or understanding she could give. 

When I told her I was pregnant (I told her at 4 months preggo (January), and just flashed an ultrasound pic at her and said, "TA-DAH!") I thought for sure she'd choke me, but instead she just loved me.  The past few months, she never asked when we'd get married or even pushed the subject (even though everyone else did who AREN'T even my own parents) because she knew it was still kind of a sensitive topic for me. 

I'm not one for being emotional. My family knows I don't show any feelings unless those feelings are anger or irritation haha. I do however, greatly regret letting a few years go by and not recognizing or even remotely appreciating everything my own mother has done. She doesn't ever recognize herself or give herself credit for an entire lifetime of accomplishments. When my dad retired as a Colonel from the Air National Guard in January, my mom didn't take any credit for all the years she had stood by my dad's side and helped him to accomplish his dreams as a pilot, while taking care of an immaculately clean house (yes sometimes she'd wake us up at 5 am to clean the bathrooms), and trying to support all 4 of us kids in any activities or sporting events we had, especially when she was alone and my dad was flying or working.   

Emi, Darah, Mom, Me

Now that I'm about to be a mom, I cannot help but be eternally grateful that God gave me her. 

She's the sweetest Grandma (maybe too sweet because sometimes I lick my poor nephew when he gets away with things that I KNOW we would've been slapped for when we were little) Sorry Darah**. 

And mostly, I'm not a parent yet, so I don't know how hard it must've been for my own mom to watch us grow, become adults, and watch us struggle or go through trials knowing that it's because of our decisions even though she taught us so much better. 

I love my mom.

For this reason, I'm scared my own daughter is going to be just like me :-( 

I'd rather have her turn out like my sisters and sister in law who are nicer, more patient, and a lot more compassionate than I am. They're also super women in my eyes. Darah worked full-time and went to school full-time up until the day she gave birth. The day AFTER she gave birth, she left the hospital for an hour to give one of her class presentations and went back :-/ Emi had such huge pregnancy and body complications with her kids, and now she's got 4 under the age of 4 and works part-time. Dani (married to my brother) is a fitness beast. She coached softball, did sprints, had her 6pack abs all the way up until 7-8 months pregnant. And she still worked, went out, and is STILL fit (slap her butt, trust me, your hand will hurt)

AND:

I'm more grateful that (we've got a wedding date set, but I'm keeping those details to myself) I get to inherit a second mom who reminds me almost exactly of my own (NO wonder me and Kuikala are so much alike and ended up together hahaha - our poor moms).

Since I've been with Kui, his mom has treated me just like her own and made me feel like I've always been part of their family. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have her :-)

By the way, if anyone knows a place or property to rent on north shore, by all means, let me know :-) I'm looking for a huge yard or property with a huge space *hint* or huge grassy area that ISN'T Kekela Beach or an insanely expensive vacation rental. 

Happy Mother's Day Weekend to our mamas.

PAU

Bebe Apprehension

I took my little niece out to the beach with me for some girl time, two weeks ago. 

Our day was spent driving up an down north shore (and the "are we there yet?" x 100), building sand snowmen (she loves Frozen), chasing chickens at the beach, grabbing ice cream at Angels in La'ie, tacos from Taco Bell (she's a lil Mexi-Nesian (aka: Mexican/Polynesian), stopping by Kualoa to feed the horses (luckily the workers weren't anywhere in sight, so we grabbed handfuls of fresh grass to throw to the horses in the pen), and lastly a 7-11 stop to grab musubis and apple juice.

I don't babysit………. Ever. Well, maybe when I was 10 and with my sisters, then we'd babysit little kids from church. 

This was the first time I've had a little kid all to myself, all day (and trust me, she's the funnest little girl ever).  I've never babysat, watched, or cared for infants within the past 13 years (alone, at least). In fact, I get really nervous (to the point of sweating and getting panicky) carrying ANY babies or infants (unless they're 5 months or older). 

The only time I was alone with my little nieces and nephew was being downstairs in my nephew's room playing the ancient Mario Brothers Nintendo, while the little ones (they're all 4 and under) fought over toys and screamed at each other. That lasted for a few hours before I kicked all 3 of them out and sent them back upstairs. 

In my family, I'm the youngest. On Oahu, I'm the youngest cousin. I didn't really grow up around babies, or carrying them, or having to watch little kids.  Admittedly, I don't go nuts over little babies, especially when I see them in public or at church. I just look at them and smile, when people around me start gushing at them.  They're cute, of course. I just don't care to hold them or kiss their face or grab their cheeks……except a few of my friend's kiddos (like my friend Lani's lil chubba Vili, or my other friend's sons who have the longest lashes ever).

**unfortunately I have been caught with this expression**

A few days ago I walked into H&M in Seattle and found myself in the baby clothes section. I stayed for about 3 minutes to take a picture of a baby mannequin in an outfit, and then I left. I still haven't walked into baby sections in Wal Mart or Target either, and I don't plan to until this baby actually comes out. Baby shopping and outfits don't quite excite me either.

 


I AM excited to get this beauty in the mail! My very first baby gift, from my hottie Tahitian mama Abby. I got pretty emotional seeing a baby package wrapped neatly in my PO Box, and opening it up to try it on.
Hallelujah for being able to take my lil baby in the water, on a paddle board, or with me and everywhere I go and giving my arms a rest!
Love you Abby!
And Tereiti and Jessie for giving me my very first baby clothes and girl outfits. I am forever grateful.

 As my stomach grows rounder and larger, I get more apprehensive and anxious about having a child of my own.  Even when I feel this lil one roll around and kick my stomach, I still feel somewhat disconnected.

As personal as this topic is, I'll share it since a few close friends went through some tough times these past few weeks. 

Sometimes I feel disconnected to babies because my little one growing wasn't supposed to make it past 4 months. In fact, none of my other ones have (won't share those stories publicly).  I've known for a few years that my fertility chances are not the highest.  Well, that they're not even likely. So going to the doctor after the first 6 weeks, only to hear that this one wasn't likely to make it, didn't exactly make me emotional, it just sucks hearing it….…..again.  So, I didn't prepare for her or think I'd make it to know she's a "her". I just planned to work low time when the 4 month mark hit, just in case I'd have to make an emergency hospital visit or make sure that I'd be home instead of working since I can't drive my Kui's standard truck, then I can at least call an ambulance or be home on Oahu to drive myself. It's not an emotional situation for me, I've prepared and carried-out this situation a few times in the past.    

I was blessed this time around.
Or maybe Kui just has some Olympic swimmers in him (he's gonna pull my hair when he reads this).

My point is that for my friends who have situations like this, don't feel like you're a failure. I've felt that way. I felt like I couldn't hold a marriage together, keep a stable life, be normal when it came to relationships, and wasn't physically able to grow life in me. Even if baby timing isn't right, right now, it'll happen. And when it does, you'll know that your self-doubts and insecurities about your body or worthiness to have kids is rubbish, and negativity that builds up because of all that is unnecessary and detrimental to yourself.

Therefore, if anyone gets irritated, annoyed, or negative at me posting up preggo posts of my growing stomach on my FB, then get over it. I'm making a baby. I'm proud of it too. 

By the way, I never knew maternity pants could be the best comfortable clothing item, created for women!
For the rest of my life, I just may buy these since they're so freakin' comfy and fit good.

*and only $20 from Target**

And I finally got a maternity uniform for work :-)

NEXT:

We'll probably be moving back home to Oahu in a month or so. 
The past few weeks have been super stressful figuring out where to live, when to move, what can be afforded, and when to stop working. My body feels like lead when I get off of a flight, even inter island flights. It takes an entire day for me to recuperate from a super swollen tummy, legs, feet, and all of that just from taking flights. With that said however, I won't be flying to any international places for the next 5 or 6 months. At all. 

and we got a set date to be "officially" together for the rest of our lives.
We're keeping the date to ourselves because I want it to be small, just like I said before.

PAU. 

The Birds and the Bees

I neglected to post up a whole lot since November, and for good reason.

The holidays, past few months, and everything was too special to post up every single moment. Thus, I'd rather keep those moments and memories for myself.

This year, 2014, is going be absolutely spectacular. 

I don't have any resolutions, and it's the first year I haven't made any. I figure, my only goal is to live. Moreso, to live in each moment. 

As much as I'd love to remember and share so many things, it's been quite liberating to leave my phone, DSLR canon, and even goPro at home and just focus on whatever moment I'm having. The past months I've been trying to fight the constant urge to show the entire world what I'm doing, where I'm doing it, or how I look lol (yes I do post selflies here and there, but not as often as before). 

That's my main goal. 

Live in each moment

Partially I made this goal because my posture is horrible from looking down at a phone 24/7, AND due to the fact that I miss important things, views, and moments going on around me because I'm so preoccupied with trying to capture it all on camera. 

Most of this goal will be to live in the moment of being a mom. 

Yup :-)

I'm GONNA BE A MOM!

expected on June 18, 2014. 

Today I make 5 months and 1 week:-)

And I'm so proud to announce that this baby is:

A girl :)

So are we getting married? Yes.
When? Idk. Sometime this year.

Some thoughts on marriage from me (mostly for all of my Mormon people who ask):

1. When we have one. I just want close family and close friends there. I'm not about to throw a festival for the entire Laie/Kahuku/Hauula to come, eat, and get entertained for free. 
2. I still have anxiety about marrying. However, this time I'm with the right person for me. It didn't work out for me the first time, but then again, second is the best ;-)
3. I'm more stressed about what island we're gonna live on, baby stuff, how the heck I'm gonna be a parent, work, etc.,. When we decide all of that, then we'll have a special day for us.
4. We're still Mormon. We go to church when we don't have to work. God still loves us.

TA-DAH! So if you feel the urge to ask, refer to my marriage reference points.

NEXT:

The whole point of this post is to explain my views on : THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

-----well, all I have to say about that is that it's a stupid analogy for procreation. Birds and bees can't reproduce so I'm not sure where that originated from. Wikipedia and Googlscholar don't know either.  Science and doctors are also wrong sometimes, especially in my case. They can tell you what your body is supposed to do and what it can't do, but when it comes down to it, it's all up to God.....and what he wants I guess.

For many reasons, I waited until I hit 5 months to announce anything publicly.  No, not out of religious or moral shame because we're both quite shameless at things we do. Moreso, because God and science work in some pretty mysterious ways.

I'll spare myself explaining my personal reproductive system, publicly, but just know that there were so many, MANY crazy circumstances and experiences regarding this little growing bundle of joy.
So no, it's not an accident. Far from it. It was unplanned, definitely, but an accident would entail us falling on each other "accidentally" and somehow creating life. Yeah. So don't ask if it's an accident either.

Lastly, I've been grateful to confide in my closest friends and family for help these past few months.
And some of the changes going on in my life have been:

1) I eat meat like a dinosaur.
2) My sweet tooth is gone and replaced by salt tooth
3) My boobs have grown :) ............sadly so have my thighs, stomach, bum,
and sides
4) All car rides = motion sickness
5) I LOVE wearing leggings and skirts........because my pants don't fit :(
6) I've slept like a hibernating bear for the past few months
7) I still get morning sickness :-/ and daytime sickness and nighttime sickness. fml.

SO

I wanted to say how much I feel loved. I feel so loved. I'm incredibly lucky that I'm surrounded by loving and supporting parents, siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends on both sides.
But, our families and parents really are the best ever.

PAU

Gratitude And God

Thanksgiving didn't start or originate in America (as many Americans falsely believe). Thanksgiving actually dates back across the Atlantic before Pilgrims settled at Plymouth. It's a celebration revered by earlier Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans who gave 'thanks' to their Gods after a good harvest. 

**fyi** Thanksgiving is religious-based, thus for those people who wanna cancel Christmas because it has "Christ" in it, ya probably should add Thanksgiving to your list of holidays you don't believe in too.

Anyway, ENOUGH about history. 

THANKSGIVING!

I'm allergic to bread stuffing, beets, candied yams, anything mixed with Mayo, and Pumpkin Pie (FML).

 So usually I stick to Turkey, Ham, Gravy and rice just to be safe :-)

I'm off to visit my family in Utah this week for a mini-family-reunion (no for the 10th time I'm not from Utah, I grew up in Mililani and my parents bought a house there when I graduated from Kamehameha in '05). 

So this'll be one of the best Thanksgivings (if not the only good one) that I've had since 2004. 

 I'd list everything I'm grateful and thankful for, but there's too many. 

And since Thanksgiving is centered to give thanks to God or previous culture's 'Gods', I wanted to write a bit about 'the man upstairs'.

I have a lot of friends and distant family that don't believe in God, and that's perfectly fine. They're very spiritual, maybe not religious, but they live respectfully, are great people, and they believe in a higher power, but not necessarily "God". 

For me, I believe in God. 

And for a long time I didn't. 

I grew up Mormon, most of my family is Mormon (or Samoan 7th Day Adventists or Catholic).  I did everything the right-way growing up, and in high school.  I've lived in a close-knit religious community in Hawaii for the past 12 years now, and honestly, I love driving to McDonald's every Sunday morning because that's the only time the breakfast line is empty and there's NO ONE I'll run into :-) **btw, if I see u in line at McDonalds, just wave "hi" back. 'Ain't no sense in pretending your invisible because you just spent $20 on Sunday LIKE ME, and I don't judge. **

But a few years (2 exact) ago I reached a point where I hated religion and church, and I wasn't sure if God was real or not. 
I won't get into it (so just read my past blogs), but I was so sick of "religious" reminders that my life wasn't going the way all Mormon's are supposed to go, such as:

• You don't get divorced.  
• You go into denial when people tell you things that you should've listened to, but you wanna show everyone your home is perfect anyway (trust me, I've been there and seen A LOT of people who do it around me).
• You are perfect. Everyone else around you is not, and it's our job to remind people that other's are not so that we feel better about our inner skeletons in the closet. 
•  You don't wear short shorts to Foodland even though it's 100 degrees outside. 
• If you're not married or dating someone stable enough after any break-up, then something is obviously wrong with you. 

The reason for this post is not because I am bitter, but moreso want people to know that I think God just loves.  And I didn't feel loved for a long time, nor am I preaching the bible to anyone. Just letting the world know why I'm grateful for Thanksgiving and all the giving that God gives me. 
(Oh trust me, I WAS definitely bitter and MAD (io diary of a mad black woman eeeeh) for a long time). Now that I really am in the best place ever, and for once in YEARS, I'm Lanea again :-) And very happy Lanea. 

So I wanted to write this to say that I believe in God, and 3 (LONG) reasons why I know he's real:

1. I hadn't gone to church for the past few years. I only recently started making an effort to go a little more. Middle of last year, I decided I was tired of the way my life was going, and I realized that there were huge things I really needed to repent for. So I went to talk to someone about it at church because that's the way you're supposed to be forgiven right? After opening up and spilling my black heart out, I was told by an "authority" figure, "Well, I'm not going to lie, I've heard some bit about you and it's pretty alarming.  I'm glad you came in to see me, but I'm going to be honest, divorce is may be unforgivable, let alone a few other sins you've told me. The only way you're going to fix this is by moving away and cutting off contact with anyone from here. It may do you a favor, and everyone else too."    (NO this is not a false story, and I've held onto my rage the very few times I've had to run into this unfortunate elected church figure).  It also didn't help that in my new ward, I had sat next to some girl's boyfriend in sacrament (cuz DUH 'aint no other seat for the brown girl) and she consequently told some of the "sisters" in relief society not to talk to me. So a lot of 'em didn't. Hypocrites.   

• Moral: Even moreso, I was determined to stay where I was, regardless of what people think of me. I avoided that Stake Center since then, until this year when I really had to use the bathroom, and the BYU housing bathroom was shut.  MISTAKINGLY, I mistrusted most church figures because of this one. And I've let myself be so angry at God because of one judgemental old man who suffers from being human. God doesn't judge, and he doesn't push people away. People do that. And I realized God does love me, when my own parents told me how much they still loved me despite my crazy circumstances and when I told them I don't want to go to church ever again.  Parent's love. God is our parent, so he loves. 

1. I've heard everything there was to be heard about me at work at PCC.  Some of my "real good friends" were the very ones gossiping about me, and even stopped talking to me for a while. Consequently, to some people I had the plague apparently, or they'd avoid me for fear of my lashing out (as I was a ticking time bomb), or because they didn't want to be associated with me. Yet, the same people at work use the gospel as a crutch and have the most "spiritual" spiritual thoughts at work or work devotionals, especially when they talk about missionary work or loving your neighbor.  Ironic. It made me hate anything to do with church, over and over again.

Believe me, my anger at work made me pretty cruel to others

• Moral:  I hadn't prayed in over 2 years, and on the day of my last interview for the airlines, I prayed to just get a break out of life and away from a familiar work environment that I didn't have balls enough to leave behind. I had also prayed that they'd still consider me, considering that my clothes were wrinkled, I had lost my cover letter, and I got there 5 minutes late because I got lost in the building. He blessed me that day, and he gave me opportunities even though I didn't think my prayers meant anything :-)

1. I thought I had done everything the right way. I got married, tried to be the best housewife ever, cooked, cleaned, worked for a year to go to the temple, went to the LDS temple, got sealed, and afterwards, everything went downhill. And kept rolling downhill. Believe me, I was angry. I was angry because I thought I did everything the way I had learned my whole life, so I didn't understand why nothing worked out for me. I didn't think I deserved half the treatment I had. I was mad at everyone in the world for looking at my life, my marriage, my mistakes, my trials and pointing their fingers from the outside. So I grew hate. A lot of it. And I nurtured it for a long time.

• Moral:  I slooooowwwwlllyyy let go of negative. I let go of people, places, and feelings that didn't let me progress. Some were easier than others. Others were like a negative habit that took me a longer time.  I didn't go to church or pray as much, instead I talked out loud in my car to Heavenly Father. I'd cry, talk, and then swear at all the drivers on the road. After 3 years, I learned that my hate was because all of what I thought was in store for me, was so different compared to what God really had planned. And trust me, it took me a long time to trust God enough to change me. So I did. And I'm here today. Incandescently happy.

I have a long way to go, but I'm relieved to start the holidays, NOT hating the holidays. 
My next month's post is some pretty big stuff, so I'll stop here. 

And lastly, God doesn't hate. For all of my gay friends out there, humans hate, not God. God understands everything and everyone. So I hope the past SB1 debates and stuff on fb haven't scared you away from believing there is a God. No one deserves to have a human "finger of God" pointed at them telling them they're all damned. No one has that right, but God. 

So....

'Because I have been given much, I too must give.."

I have 3 open slots for next months. From the 19th-31st of December, I'll by busy holiday-ing. From Dec. 7th (Saturday) to Dec. 13th (Friday) I'll be as free as all the loose dogs that no one ever seems to leash in my Kona neighborhood.

And I'd like to offer 3 slots for hair, makeup, and photos for 3 lucky ladies.

I do all 3 as a hobby on the side. Most of my friends are extreme make-up- hair savvy-fashionistas. So I get inspiration from them too :-)

So if you have someone close to you (mom, sister, cousin, friend, aunty, etc.,.) who needs some extra pampering, or self-boosting for the holidays, please message me on facebook, my phone, or email: laneasnow@yahoo.com.

Also, I just finished my website :-) Go and visit it: 

http://laneasnow.wix.com/laneas

We can set something up. 

PAU

Entitlement + Relation-shipping *Part 2*

So lately.....

I've discovered there's a huge world to explore right were we live. 80% of it is free (Kama'aina discount fo' free!). And *big news* I'm moving to Kona this month :-)

Less people. Less traffic. Less crowded beaches. More country. And hundreds of guava trees on the side of the road.

So please, come visit me sometime. I'll be 3/4 time in Kona, and 1/4 time on Oahu. 

So moving on

2 Things:

(1)

Entitlement

• entitlement (en-tite-ol-ment) = mentally, socially or physically feeling that the world/society owes you.  Meaning #2 = contributing/paying minimal effort/amount and expecting maximum output/results.

All human races suffer from entitlement (moreso Americans). Maybe not Japanese people so much because every single Japanese person I have ever come across (10 different trips to Japan, plus Japanese tourists in Hawaii) is nice and has never treated or acted in such a way that they're better than anyone else, or deserve better treatment.

OUR SOCIETY (mostly America) IS TOO ENTITLED FOR THEIR OWN GOOD! 

People everywhere these days seems to grumble, complain, or sue for just about EVERYTHING! 

Take for example:

• Freebies (which includes free airplane meals). ITS FREE! Why on earth would anyone complain about anything if it's free and they didn't pay for it? Don't like something that's free (including complimentary meals you possibly get on any airline, restaurant, country fair, costco samples, etc.,.) then you should've brought your own (meaning you cook it yourself since you don't like it), paid $10 on fast food, or paid $1,000 to upgrade. Simple as that.  You want entitled treatment, then you pay extra. You pay extra, you can expect extra. You pay nothing, then don't expect anything.

• Waiting in Lines.  Don't cut in line. Don't feel entitled to walk in the front of any long line (including lines at the DMV, reservations, lunch, fast food, starbucks, etc.,.) and take your place at the front. You are not entitled to cut the line because you decided to get there late, don't feel like waiting, or are complaining because you had to wait in the same long line as all 100 other people. 

• GET OFF THE ROAD! This is mainly for retarded BYUH students who (year after year) insist on riding their bike, walking, or skateboarding in the middle of the road. You're never entitled to block traffic, make everyone on the road go around you, or get offended when people scream at you from cars, just because your parents didn't teach you how to use a sidewalk properly. FYI: If it's hilarious watching every car go by you and giving stink looks to locals driving, then it'll also be quite funny to get a soft drink thrown at you for your horrid behavior. 

**I find that in the US Mainland, people tend to complain about everything. Unless you Beyonce, yous just gotta wait or pay like errrrbody else**

(2)

RELATION-SHIPPING

A year ago I wrote about Relation-shippping (click for an old post).
My definition is in that older post.

At the top of the World (Mauna Kea) wrapped up with my #kuigotnoIG

I'm happy (oh so very happy) to be with a someone :-)

After quite a long time being independent, I've got myself a boyfriend who is quite a catch (I won't blow up his ego, so I'll stop there). As happy and complacent as I was to be friend-shipping for a very, very long time (since 2010) it is quite fulfilling to not have "special friends" here and there (as all the people in my world know I've had a tad too many of those because I have commitment issues). 

As I sit here, staring out at an incredible view of Sydney Harbor (I'm in Aussie Aussie Aussie at the moment), I'm so grateful me and my friend (in this beautiful country of Kangaroos) spent a week in another country to figure out that we like each other more than just friends. ------ (clickhere) Started from the bottom now we hea

So on the topic of Relation-shipping:
*as copied from last year's post*

Relation-shipping =  spending butt loads of hours and time with someone to see if you wanna bring/keep 'em in your life or ship 'em out for good.  Thus, relation-"shipping."

Dating + Marriage + Separation + Divorce = happened, for me, all between the years of 2006-2013. 
That's my life from 18 years old to 25. 
So you see, I have relationship anxiety and insecurity issues from all of that. 

*these next few paragraphs are pretty TMI and it'll upset *some people* but I'm feeling pretty open so I'm gonna write this ish anyway*

I like where I am right now. I love who I'm with. And because of all of that, I don't want ANY repeats of the past 7 years. I've learned from myself and past relationships that I don't want to ruin anything because of hurts or anxiety that was caused by other people. So I made a personal list for MYSELF to keep in mind and remember, but I figured maybe other people could benefit if something pops out at 'em =

Relation-shipping tidbits to and from myself:

• Marriage should only happen when YOU and SOMEONE are mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally ready.  I may be a less-active Mormon, but I doubt God intended us to go through all the "motions" of marriage just so that we can prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are on a "righteous path".  I see a lot of my friends who get married so they can prove to everyone that they're ready to be this person that I don't even think they realize they're not ready to be.  In marriage, you have the opportunity to become someone else, and be someone better.  Don't use marriage to prove anyone wrong because it'll make everyone else secretly think, "Not like I didn't see that one comin'" when it starts to fizzle.  

• Red flags sometimes disappear, but moreso resurface when you start to have any kind of cracks in your relationship.  My previous significant other had a tough childhood, teenage years, and earlier adult life. In dating, I saw huge red flags within the first 4 months of us. In our first year together, I'd never been with anyone who made me cry more, ride an incredibly steep emotional and mental rollercoaster daily, and had the ability to jeopardize the self assurance I once had.  I was a pretty broken person by the time we ended in 2010 because I chose to overlook a lot of flags that I never had control to change in the first place. Those flags are worse when they reappear when you're married......in the temple.

• Limit what you tell the world, in regards to relationship drama you're both having.  In other words, don't tell the whole damn world your ish between you two. I did this. Horribly.  I hated us, I hated the person I was, I hated the situation we were in, and I hated everything in the world. Since I couldn't get acceptance in my own home, I reached out to get it from anyone who'd give it to me. Eventually my life was a walking soap opera that everyone all over my town and PCC wanted to get a piece of. I figured that I'd rather people know then spread rumors about what they think they knew. Truth is, no one needs to know because it's only your business. I learned that the hard way because I had such low self esteem and was so unhappy. This post isn't to inform the world of any drama, but rather to help some of my specific friends understand my take on - relationshipping, as well as myself. 

• Let go of the 'victim role'. He and I played the victim role. We were both victims of each other. He is imperfect, and so am I. We were both too young and didn't know our own-selves yet before we got involved with each other.  Understand that you cannot claim to be a victim, or feel like one, as long as you're in charge of making your own decisions.  Only feel sorry for yourself if you didn't think with your head or your heart before you go and commit yourself to someone. I chose to be with someone who wasn't worthy or ready to be with me. I wasn't worthy or ready to be with someone either, yet he chose to use me (I'm not gonna lie, I treated him a lot better than he ever did for me and I'm not sorry for mentioning that either). 

• BE YOU! And continue to be you when you're with your someone.  I think people fall in love with each other when they're themselves.  If they're good people from the get go, you won't have to change yourself  just so that you can be with them.  Good people only enhance you to become a better version of yourself.  Do things for you that'll make you better for yourself and better for someone else in a positive way.  I'm learning that with my current squeeze ;-)

• Find someone that you can intellectually carry on a real conversation with about the world. Nothing more frustrating then having opinions, thoughts, rants, or ideas about everything in the world, only to be hushed about it, or not be able to talk about it.  My previous 'other' and I were in two different worlds that somehow would not blend together real well. We thought differently, cared about different things, and it seemed like the only talking or conversation we ever had was superficial or about other people.  If you find that you can't talk about politics, interests, work, education, current events, yourselves, or any thing other than your relationship, then the communication in the relationship will probably get real old or superficial.......or you'll just end up having to listen to someone else talk about themselves all the time.

• End or cut off ties you have with "special friends" or "Exes" prior to committing yourself to someone else. A very sensitive topic for a few reasons.  Because of a 4-year relationship with an ex that hadn't quite been "cut-off" with yet, "my previous other" consequently put us both through emotional hell for a year and a half. I never, EVER, want to be compared to someone else's ex all the time, or to have to listen to "they were this and they were that", or have to play tug of war with someone who was with me out of convenience.  Thinking about those first 2 years still makes me so emotional because you, I and anyone shouldn't have to be someone's "side thing" while they decide what they want from you and someone else. Why? Because I put myself in the same situation with someone else shortly after I was separated, and it made me feel the same way. I'm make stupid choices. So don't do it. 

Lastly,

This is the last post and time I'll mention or talk about my previous marriage. I'm over it and I moved on. So last time it'll be mentioned again.

 MARRIAGE is HARD WORK! However, it'll be even harder to actually stay married when you realize you or your other half aren't ready to give up your independence or selfish habits while your still married. 

 I am NOT an expert at dating or marriage, but for myself these are tidbits that I keep in my journal because I don't wanna repeat any of them. For years, I didn't feel. I just felt negative or couldn't return feelings to anyone who may have had 'em for me. I'm glad I do today :-)
And I'm happily with someone who doesn't pressure me or make me feel like I have to get married right away because I'm not ready anytime soon.

SO ANYWAY,

HAPPY October to everyone. 
This Halloween I'm gonna be Lara Croft because I love Angelina Jolie, and my hair is finally long enough.

PAU