I took my little niece out to the beach with me for some girl time, two weeks ago.
Our day was spent driving up an down north shore (and the "are we there yet?" x 100), building sand snowmen (she loves Frozen), chasing chickens at the beach, grabbing ice cream at Angels in La'ie, tacos from Taco Bell (she's a lil Mexi-Nesian (aka: Mexican/Polynesian), stopping by Kualoa to feed the horses (luckily the workers weren't anywhere in sight, so we grabbed handfuls of fresh grass to throw to the horses in the pen), and lastly a 7-11 stop to grab musubis and apple juice.
I don't babysit………. Ever. Well, maybe when I was 10 and with my sisters, then we'd babysit little kids from church.
This was the first time I've had a little kid all to myself, all day (and trust me, she's the funnest little girl ever). I've never babysat, watched, or cared for infants within the past 13 years (alone, at least). In fact, I get really nervous (to the point of sweating and getting panicky) carrying ANY babies or infants (unless they're 5 months or older).
The only time I was alone with my little nieces and nephew was being downstairs in my nephew's room playing the ancient Mario Brothers Nintendo, while the little ones (they're all 4 and under) fought over toys and screamed at each other. That lasted for a few hours before I kicked all 3 of them out and sent them back upstairs.
In my family, I'm the youngest. On Oahu, I'm the youngest cousin. I didn't really grow up around babies, or carrying them, or having to watch little kids. Admittedly, I don't go nuts over little babies, especially when I see them in public or at church. I just look at them and smile, when people around me start gushing at them. They're cute, of course. I just don't care to hold them or kiss their face or grab their cheeks……except a few of my friend's kiddos (like my friend Lani's lil chubba Vili, or my other friend's sons who have the longest lashes ever).
A few days ago I walked into H&M in Seattle and found myself in the baby clothes section. I stayed for about 3 minutes to take a picture of a baby mannequin in an outfit, and then I left. I still haven't walked into baby sections in Wal Mart or Target either, and I don't plan to until this baby actually comes out. Baby shopping and outfits don't quite excite me either.
I AM excited to get this beauty in the mail! My very first baby gift, from my hottie Tahitian mama Abby. I got pretty emotional seeing a baby package wrapped neatly in my PO Box, and opening it up to try it on.
Hallelujah for being able to take my lil baby in the water, on a paddle board, or with me and everywhere I go and giving my arms a rest!
Love you Abby!
And Tereiti and Jessie for giving me my very first baby clothes and girl outfits. I am forever grateful.
As my stomach grows rounder and larger, I get more apprehensive and anxious about having a child of my own. Even when I feel this lil one roll around and kick my stomach, I still feel somewhat disconnected.
As personal as this topic is, I'll share it since a few close friends went through some tough times these past few weeks.
Sometimes I feel disconnected to babies because my little one growing wasn't supposed to make it past 4 months. In fact, none of my other ones have (won't share those stories publicly). I've known for a few years that my fertility chances are not the highest. Well, that they're not even likely. So going to the doctor after the first 6 weeks, only to hear that this one wasn't likely to make it, didn't exactly make me emotional, it just sucks hearing it….…..again. So, I didn't prepare for her or think I'd make it to know she's a "her". I just planned to work low time when the 4 month mark hit, just in case I'd have to make an emergency hospital visit or make sure that I'd be home instead of working since I can't drive my Kui's standard truck, then I can at least call an ambulance or be home on Oahu to drive myself. It's not an emotional situation for me, I've prepared and carried-out this situation a few times in the past.
I was blessed this time around.
Or maybe Kui just has some Olympic swimmers in him (he's gonna pull my hair when he reads this).
My point is that for my friends who have situations like this, don't feel like you're a failure. I've felt that way. I felt like I couldn't hold a marriage together, keep a stable life, be normal when it came to relationships, and wasn't physically able to grow life in me. Even if baby timing isn't right, right now, it'll happen. And when it does, you'll know that your self-doubts and insecurities about your body or worthiness to have kids is rubbish, and negativity that builds up because of all that is unnecessary and detrimental to yourself.
Therefore, if anyone gets irritated, annoyed, or negative at me posting up preggo posts of my growing stomach on my FB, then get over it. I'm making a baby. I'm proud of it too.
By the way, I never knew maternity pants could be the best comfortable clothing item, created for women!
For the rest of my life, I just may buy these since they're so freakin' comfy and fit good.
*and only $20 from Target**
NEXT:
We'll probably be moving back home to Oahu in a month or so.
The past few weeks have been super stressful figuring out where to live, when to move, what can be afforded, and when to stop working. My body feels like lead when I get off of a flight, even inter island flights. It takes an entire day for me to recuperate from a super swollen tummy, legs, feet, and all of that just from taking flights. With that said however, I won't be flying to any international places for the next 5 or 6 months. At all.
and we got a set date to be "officially" together for the rest of our lives.
We're keeping the date to ourselves because I want it to be small, just like I said before.
PAU.
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