Progression

Can you believe this year is nearly finished in a month?!

I love Christmas in Hawaii. Cold Weather, I can drink coffee without sweating from the heat outside, we still surf and tan on the beach, and most of all, there's no Snow (despite my last name (or former last name) I really do hate the snow and all of it's coldness), and now I have a baby, my own place, and a husband to cuddle in this "Freezing" 70 degree weather :)

Anyway, 

I suffer from "Walter Mitty" syndrome.

I've done it since I was a kid.
Obviously, I do amazing things........IN my incredibly-vivid imagination.
I think of something, someone, a past-time memory, or made up scenario and constantly replay and over-analyze different "WHAT IF" scenarios, such as, 'what if' I reacted this way, or 'what if' I said this instead, or 'what if' this happened.  I usually zone out while listening to Pandora, driving in the car, or while running. And of course in all of my wild imaginations, I'm basically Superwoman. Yea..they're that vivid :-/
So if you see me talking to myself, it's probably because I'm "in the zone".

It's a symptom of not living in the 'now', and being controlled by the ego or the 'what if's' of the world (read Eckhart Tolle). Thus, I zone out (just like Walter Mitty).......A LOT!

**By the way, go watch this incredible movie. It's pretty inspirational and makes me want to travel and skate**

Part of 'not living in the now', is overanalyzing past choices and experiences I've had.  Most of them aren't as negative or horrible as I think. Likewise, I know that most people are not as horrible or horrendous as I used to think when I silently judged those who are nice to my face and not as nice when my back is facing them. It's my scenario-creating that builds up negative-ness and over analyzations of everyone and everything.  

In my overanalyzing, let's just say I am ECSTATIC to have a load of negative PAST and a lot of positive PRESENT. 

And thus,

This year, I'm most grateful for

PROGRESSION
(Religiously you could also say = atonement)

Without progression, I wouldn't have any of what I have today, or perhaps I would but I wouldn't be as grateful for it as I do today.  

Progression (noun) : a movement or development toward a destination or a more advanced state, especially gradually or in stages.

I don't really need to explain because you can read my past blog posts, but after reading everyone's Thanksgiving and Seasonal 'gratefuls', I couldn't help but be grateful for progression in life (you could easily replace it with the atonement, in the case that you are religious).

I absolutely love this quote by Meryl Streep:

I'm not there yet, but progressively, this is where I WILL be eventually. 

Presently, I'm in a place where I'm quite content to be myself and to own my past mistakes. I think being with my husband who is the epitome of "chill" and owns up to whatever mistakes or decisions he makes, has helped me PROGRESS from a past to a present.  Subsequently, I actually think before I act (whereas, before, my mouth usually got the best of me).

Specifically speaking, I'll lay out an example that happened a month ago. **no offense to my friends that I'm putting on blast**
About a month ago, I was eating lunch with a few friends at the shopping center. A girl that we all know (who is going through a lot of downs and has seen very few ups) came to talk to us and say a quick 'hello'. When she walked away one of my friends made a comment about how erratic and crazy she was, in which everyone else kind of laughed and chimed in. I couldn't laugh, or chime in, or add to it, and just sat awkwardly thinking "Wow, this is exactly what people probably did when I said hi to them". She reminded me of ME. Later, I took my baby home, blasted The Paper Kites on Pandora, and tried to suppress mental regressive thoughts that made me feel even more negative about myself and the world.  It's so easy how a few short words, comments, or occasional gossip can set you back mentally, when you feel like you've moved forward.

Moral of this story:

1. Don't verbally kick people down when they're already down. They'll remember it. I sure do. As much as I try to still be polite to people who've gossiped about me, it still doesn't take away my inner urge to rake their face with my nails. 
2. Progression is a change in attitude and thought. It helps to be more empathetic.

So on a much more motivational and positive note, MAKE THE MOST of this last month of the year. 

Work on being less judgmental, more empathetic, a little more understanding, less critical, and more open-minded. When New Year's resolutions are made, it'll be a little easier to continue them because you've already started a month a head of time. 

Some of the blessings in my life because of PROGRESSION are:

1. My little Roxy. Slobber, poop, and all, she's changed my perspective on responsibility, motherhood, and becoming a master at changing diapers in the dark. She's my bff. 
2. A good man. One who shares my love for surfing, anime, Lord of the rings, and is incredibly athletic.
3. People. I've met a lot of incredible people these past few years, and had a chance to reconnect with a few of my old friends too. 
4. A new found love of sweet potatoes. **meaning that I'm open to trying new things, including food**
5. A stable mind. 
6. A change in priorities. And a job that lets me take a loooooong leave so I can watch my baby grow up to be 1, and THEN go back to work (meaning I'm not going back to flying until September-ish of 2015). 

With all of that said,

End this year on a positive note. 

And here's my Christmas wish-list:

1. To have voice-less, crow-less roosters in La'ie
2. A ban on retail shopping on major holidays (basically just Thanksgiving and Christmas)
3. For people to spend their black-Friday shopping on a gift for homeless families rather than cheaper TV's for themselves
4. My own aquaponic farm that provides a few good people with jobs, live-on-site shelter, and food for themselves (one day I WILL make this happen)
5. LESS rude plane passengers for all of my friends who are flying the not-so friendly skies
6. A La'ie Cat spaying/neutering facility to control the La'ie/Hau'ula/Kahuku cat population
7. Never-ending energy for my sister who is in grad school, a full-time worker, and a full-time mom/wife
8. More TIME to read all of the books I actually borrow from the library

Happy Holidays :) 

The Second Time Around

Do people even read blogs anymore? Whatever. I haven't written since June (my baby's birth). I've been on cloud-9 for the past few months, and been busy as I adjusted to being a mom, secretly planning my wedding, and getting married. So whatevs.

This month marks my one-year together with Kui and IT HAS BEEN ONE HELLA  LONG YEAR. 

What's the best way to have a wedding? 

Plan it in January, and have it in September (the no-holiday month). Keep it secret. Don't send out written invites. Invite everyone verbally about 2-3 weeks prior to the wedding. Invite just the closest people to you.  Keep it stress-free. Make sure the place serves good food. And be in love. 

Learning to live with someone is just as hard the second time, as it is the first time. 

 Our days range from delightfully happy to "WWIII". Contrary to Mormon belief, living together (yes in sin since we obviously weren't married) doesn't mean that we had things harder or were punished in our relationship, it just means we go through the same issues all couples go through in their "first year" together. We just happened to not be married while doing it.

For the second time around, it's easier to adjust to someone else's living habits, and get back in the groove of doing everything for '2'. However, I'm quicker to bolt out the door at any little argument (and since I have awesome flying benefits, I also fly to a different island once I'm out the door).......and while I'm flying and bolting outta the house, I start replanning my life over again, while hastily making "back-up" plans.  The good and bad thing about divorce is that you learn to stand on your own, be your own person, and take care of yourself again.  The bad part is that you can stand your own, be your own person, and you'd rather just take care of yourself, and not marry again.  Slowly I've gotten over my insecurities and am learning to stay and work it out when it gets really tough. Luckily, I have a guy who wants to talk and solve everything right that moment, especially when I don't. Our little baby is also a reminder that we gotta watch our mouths and can't be "F-bombing" or saying nasty low-blows :) 

BUT ANYWAY

What I learned this second time around:

• Put God first. My life has grown tremendously, and it's the first time in YEARS (since I was 17 or 18) I actually 'TRY to be like Jesus'. It makes me feel better, it makes our house happier, and it's controlled my road raging. If you don't believe in God, then try being in tune in with your spiritual side, like yoga, tai chi or read some Eckhart Tolle and Ram Dass.  

• DONT RUSH TO GET MARRIED. There's nothing wrong with being single and free (just don't be telling everyone else to get married if you're not). Likewise date until you REALLY know who it is you're actually dating. Trust me, this is my 2nd time doing it! For my Mormon friends, don't get married because you want sex. I don't know how stupider you could be if that's the reason you want to be married. Marriage is a lot harder then being single, so stay single until you've become the type of person you want to marry. 

• Love your own company before you try to enjoy everyone else's.  Single-ness taught me to appreciate learning  about myself. Turns out, I needed it! I flew everywhere I wanted, beached at some sick secluded beaches, jiujitsu-d, boxed, graduated and moved out on my own, danced all over the world, flew to Maui every weekend to get Krispy Kremes, and spent a butt-load of time on all my hobbies. I was able to do EVERYTHING spontaneous and crazy that I'd wanted to do, and all before getting pregnant and settling down again. Now that I'm married, I don't have any regrets or longings to do stuff I've always wanted because I've done most of it (except visit HOBBITON :-(  (below are shots I took while living in the Cook Islands in 2011).

Got to visit and live in the cook islands for a month

• I hate cooking.  There was a time when I cooked every breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a year, in an entirely different country with odd ingredients/measurements, etc.,. Maybe it's because we're on the WIC diet (we only eat whatever we get from WIC). Maybe it's because my cooking is likened unto "that's not the way my grandma or mom cooks it" by my "other-half". Or maybe it's because I truly never liked cooking, and only realized it this second time around. 
• I'm 20x happier and 20x poorer than I've ever been. My baby has more clothes and belongings than both of us adults. My entire adulthood was spent buying/hoarding/attaining "stuff", yet I've never felt so happy to have so little as I do now. Our belongings fit into our little studio, and having a smaller space to live in, makes me pretty happy too. 

• I still dislike children (mostly active, naughty ones).  I only like and love my own baby.
  

• Have your own identity. I've said this in every relationship post I've ever posted. Yes, you become "one" when you're married, but I like having hobbies, interests, challenges, and accomplishments that are just mine. There's SO MUCH MORE to you than being known as "someone's wife or girlfriend or boyfriend". Be YOU first, and become a SOMEONE before you become "someone's". My old Marriage and Family Relations Professor at Byu-Hawaii was hilarious, Douglas Brinley. Read his ARTICLE. First comes God, then comes YOU, then your spouse, then your kids. 

• Exercise together. Something I've never done before with anyone else. I get pretty competitive and poor sport. Whatever, exercising together just feels good. 

• A little manners goes a looooong way.  Please and thank you is a huge concept that 'my other half' needed lots of reminding :-) My parents used to slap us if we didn't say 'excuse me' or 'please' or 'thank you' to every little thing we each did to each other. As kids we'd get lickins' if we interrupted my parents or adults while they're talking to other people. I still hate when kids do that. MANNERS. It's such a simple concept that's apparently rarer to find, hear, or see these days.
  
  
  
  
  
  And that's all.
  Here's to us :-)
  
  
  
  
  

PAU

How wonderful life is, now you're in the world...

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now your in the world…
("Your Song" from Moulin Rouge)

Baby Roxy Ka'olinaokapuaalohulukupuna Temara Nae'ole 

pure love. 

Holding this little girl and understanding the same love my own parents feel for me.  This moment is to both of our parents, especially with this little baby arriving. I could spend the rest of my life trying to show my parents how much I love, appreciate, and care for them, and yet all of my efforts will still never be enough for me to let them know how much they mean to me.
I could not be a fraction of the parent that my own two parents ever are, they are literally the epitome of selflessness, love, and kindness. Their traits totally passed onto my sisters, while I got…….…..the exact opposite :-/  They stayed back home here in Hawaii, for the past month just for this little girl's arrival. 

To the greatest parents in the whole world:
Thank you. We've got big shoes to fill. I love you so much.

She's mine. 

My own. 

My precious. 

(I did just quote, Smeagol)

My little baby: You are loved. You ARE love.  
I complained about every pregnancy symptom there was, especially being swollen. Women are amazing, and I have a huge new found respect for what our bodies can do. Practicing making babies is so much fun, but making the baby in your body is not so much.

We had the best birthing/labor team ever. Baby Roxy's grandma's, Papa Snow, Aunty Dani, Aunty Nahe, and Cousin Bella were all there to be support and push me along when I was pushing (for 2 loooong hours). I couldn't have asked for an easier birthing, although being in labor for 12 hours the entire night-time at home, and not even realizing those horrible contractions were real labor didn't feel so great. 

I love my Kuikala. 

I could not have asked for a better support while I was birthing. My baby girl is lucky to have such a good-looking and loving daddy. 

I am so lucky to be so loved. Incredibly loved. 

I had a trip to the hospital the day before I gave birth (false labor), and my best friend was able to come with me, drive with me, and drive all the way out to Haleiwa to fulfill my Waialua Bakery Cravings before I went in to the hospital (only to get sent back home).

I'll probably quit Facebook sometime soon, or just use it for my LSN-Hawaii bookings. 

More privacy, raise my kid, and not bombard my day with endless status' or life-changing stories/videos. 

One of my close friends posted this article that I thought was completely relevant to how I've been feeling for the past few months:

"What Oversharing on Facebook means about you"

I want to document our lives in my personal scrapbook (do normal non-Utah-living people still make actual scrapbooks these days?). Either way, I'll probably just end up sticking to instagram or tumblr.  

“Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.” 

― Eckhart Tolle

This moment, this love, this time now. I'm not just happy, but I feel so peaceful. I realize that when I get home, it won't be so peaceful and I'll be a zombie for the rest of the my life. However, right now is one of those moments of inner peace for me.

This is my life. Mine.

PAU

Half-Mom - for mom day

Quick catch up:

1. Moved back to Oahu this past weekend to start our bebe "nesting"
2. On Maternity leave as of last week Thursday (May 1)
3. New home on the beach
4. 34 weeks as of yesterday

It's a decent backyard :)

There's nothing quite like being pregnant……..at the BEGINNING of summer :-/

• Always swollen & fluid retention: Feet, toes, hands, legs, etc.,.
• Living up my last month and a half of looooong uninterrupted sleep for the next few years
• Still no crazy cravings….but every excuse to scarf down acai bowls
• CARPAL TUNNEL
• Who knew putting on shoes could be so challenging, let alone bending forward to grab anything off the ground
• Constant Heat Flashes (glad it's not menopause), but ALWAYS hot!
• My outings are centered where the nearest bathrooms are so I can take a leak every half and hour

In about a month or so, I'm going to be a mom. 

A MOM! 

I don't have stretch marks……..YET……. and when they kick in these next few weeks, I'm still gonna wear my two-peice to the beach. I don't care if my body is stretched out or if I'm flabby. It's a miracle I'm pregnant so I'm gonna rock my swimsuit and still get on my surfboard, regardless of how my body looks.  It's whatevs. 

AND

Mother's Day. 

I don't feel know if I can celebrate this holiday because she's not born yet. So I'll just say I'm a half mom, and when she's born then I'll be a full mom :-)

To be completely honest, I'm more scared to be a mother than I am excited.  I know what I want her to wear, the kind of style I have in mind, and every type of Petunia Pickle Bottom Baby bags…….but ask me how to feed a baby, find diaper sizes, or hold an infant properly, and I have no clue. I have so many hesitations and doubts about my 'mom' abilities. Moreso, I'm afraid I won't be a fraction of the kind of mom, my mama is. . 

I'm not gonna write a post on generic, flattery adjectives about her, or the usual: "I have the best mom in the world" or "my mom is better than yours" or "to the most amazing woman on earth" and blah blah blah…..I'd rather just write about what my mom has done for me.  

Dancing is one of the only talents/traits we have in common. I love watching her dance. She can also sing (as do all of her siblings - sing so beautifully too). My cousins inherited those singing abilities (Sikas, Ishibashis, Kanaheles) while us Snows, well, negative on us trying to harmonize or attempting to sing out loud. 

My mom and her siblings (from left to right: Uncle Keenan, Aunty Tina, Aunty Jolene, Aunty Jeniel, My mom, uncle Juney)

My mom and I are opposite ends of the spectrum. I've given my mom so much grief, stress, and what little grey hairs she may have, are probably from me. All of us kids have gone through our rebel days, its just that mines left, AND came back AFTER I became an adult, and those "days" turned into the past few years. Yet, despite being her 'prodigal' child, my mom has never failed to love me, and let me know that she'd always be there to be my mom.

After my senior year of high school, I seldomly talked to my mom or my dad.  My parents were planning a move to Utah and literally left after my graduation ceremony ended because they had complicated house building plans and blueprints to sort out there while I was still at Kamehameha.  For so many selfish reasons, I refused to want any part of my own family, and wouldn't even care to talk to my parents or my mom when they were struggling or going through a hard time themselves. I alienated my own self since I was still stuck here in Hawaii being stubborn and resenting them for being so busy working and building a house in another state.  I convinced myself for years that they didn't care about me, any of my school or other senior year accomplishments because they weren't really involved, or they were flying back and forth to the mainland to sort out house stuff, leaving me with Darah at home. 

In fact, after I graduated, I had convinced myself that they didn't care about me at all. All because of my ignorance and resentments from high school. 

Most of my college life felt like that until I got engaged and hastily married. 

During those years, my parents still loved me and supported me even if they didn't approve of my decisions.  

After I moved to Australia, I felt the most lonesome I've ever felt in my life. 

It was depression on a whole different level. Not necessarily due to my marriage because my then-husband worked really hard to provide, but because I realized how incredibly valuable my family were, when I was in another country and had NONE. 

My parents flew down for my temple sealing in Brisbane. 

And during those two weeks they were there, my heart was incredibly softened, and then I felt so terrible for how I'd treated them for the past 3 years prior to me getting married.  My mom held my hand and even comforted me the entire time, and I bawled my eyes out when they had to leave.

It made me realize that all those years I'd resented them for missing out on me going into college life, and adulthood, that I'd forced myself to easily forget ALL the things they'd worked so hard for to help me and to show me how much they love me.  

When we moved back to Hawaii, my dad and mom commuted for 4-5 hours daily from Turtle Bay into Hickam (my dad got a 2 bedroom condo and lived with us) just so that we would have a place to live for free, and would be taken care of while we were adjusting moving back home and going to school. 

When my marriage ended, my mom had not one negative thing or comment to say about us. She just listened to me cry or vent for hours, and wouldn't say a hurtful or negative word about any of the situation or people involved. Instead, she was even more loving and compassionate to me and to him, and offered any kind of love or understanding she could give. 

When I told her I was pregnant (I told her at 4 months preggo (January), and just flashed an ultrasound pic at her and said, "TA-DAH!") I thought for sure she'd choke me, but instead she just loved me.  The past few months, she never asked when we'd get married or even pushed the subject (even though everyone else did who AREN'T even my own parents) because she knew it was still kind of a sensitive topic for me. 

I'm not one for being emotional. My family knows I don't show any feelings unless those feelings are anger or irritation haha. I do however, greatly regret letting a few years go by and not recognizing or even remotely appreciating everything my own mother has done. She doesn't ever recognize herself or give herself credit for an entire lifetime of accomplishments. When my dad retired as a Colonel from the Air National Guard in January, my mom didn't take any credit for all the years she had stood by my dad's side and helped him to accomplish his dreams as a pilot, while taking care of an immaculately clean house (yes sometimes she'd wake us up at 5 am to clean the bathrooms), and trying to support all 4 of us kids in any activities or sporting events we had, especially when she was alone and my dad was flying or working.   

Emi, Darah, Mom, Me

Now that I'm about to be a mom, I cannot help but be eternally grateful that God gave me her. 

She's the sweetest Grandma (maybe too sweet because sometimes I lick my poor nephew when he gets away with things that I KNOW we would've been slapped for when we were little) Sorry Darah**. 

And mostly, I'm not a parent yet, so I don't know how hard it must've been for my own mom to watch us grow, become adults, and watch us struggle or go through trials knowing that it's because of our decisions even though she taught us so much better. 

I love my mom.

For this reason, I'm scared my own daughter is going to be just like me :-( 

I'd rather have her turn out like my sisters and sister in law who are nicer, more patient, and a lot more compassionate than I am. They're also super women in my eyes. Darah worked full-time and went to school full-time up until the day she gave birth. The day AFTER she gave birth, she left the hospital for an hour to give one of her class presentations and went back :-/ Emi had such huge pregnancy and body complications with her kids, and now she's got 4 under the age of 4 and works part-time. Dani (married to my brother) is a fitness beast. She coached softball, did sprints, had her 6pack abs all the way up until 7-8 months pregnant. And she still worked, went out, and is STILL fit (slap her butt, trust me, your hand will hurt)

AND:

I'm more grateful that (we've got a wedding date set, but I'm keeping those details to myself) I get to inherit a second mom who reminds me almost exactly of my own (NO wonder me and Kuikala are so much alike and ended up together hahaha - our poor moms).

Since I've been with Kui, his mom has treated me just like her own and made me feel like I've always been part of their family. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have her :-)

By the way, if anyone knows a place or property to rent on north shore, by all means, let me know :-) I'm looking for a huge yard or property with a huge space *hint* or huge grassy area that ISN'T Kekela Beach or an insanely expensive vacation rental. 

Happy Mother's Day Weekend to our mamas.

PAU

Bebe Apprehension

I took my little niece out to the beach with me for some girl time, two weeks ago. 

Our day was spent driving up an down north shore (and the "are we there yet?" x 100), building sand snowmen (she loves Frozen), chasing chickens at the beach, grabbing ice cream at Angels in La'ie, tacos from Taco Bell (she's a lil Mexi-Nesian (aka: Mexican/Polynesian), stopping by Kualoa to feed the horses (luckily the workers weren't anywhere in sight, so we grabbed handfuls of fresh grass to throw to the horses in the pen), and lastly a 7-11 stop to grab musubis and apple juice.

I don't babysit………. Ever. Well, maybe when I was 10 and with my sisters, then we'd babysit little kids from church. 

This was the first time I've had a little kid all to myself, all day (and trust me, she's the funnest little girl ever).  I've never babysat, watched, or cared for infants within the past 13 years (alone, at least). In fact, I get really nervous (to the point of sweating and getting panicky) carrying ANY babies or infants (unless they're 5 months or older). 

The only time I was alone with my little nieces and nephew was being downstairs in my nephew's room playing the ancient Mario Brothers Nintendo, while the little ones (they're all 4 and under) fought over toys and screamed at each other. That lasted for a few hours before I kicked all 3 of them out and sent them back upstairs. 

In my family, I'm the youngest. On Oahu, I'm the youngest cousin. I didn't really grow up around babies, or carrying them, or having to watch little kids.  Admittedly, I don't go nuts over little babies, especially when I see them in public or at church. I just look at them and smile, when people around me start gushing at them.  They're cute, of course. I just don't care to hold them or kiss their face or grab their cheeks……except a few of my friend's kiddos (like my friend Lani's lil chubba Vili, or my other friend's sons who have the longest lashes ever).

**unfortunately I have been caught with this expression**

A few days ago I walked into H&M in Seattle and found myself in the baby clothes section. I stayed for about 3 minutes to take a picture of a baby mannequin in an outfit, and then I left. I still haven't walked into baby sections in Wal Mart or Target either, and I don't plan to until this baby actually comes out. Baby shopping and outfits don't quite excite me either.

 


I AM excited to get this beauty in the mail! My very first baby gift, from my hottie Tahitian mama Abby. I got pretty emotional seeing a baby package wrapped neatly in my PO Box, and opening it up to try it on.
Hallelujah for being able to take my lil baby in the water, on a paddle board, or with me and everywhere I go and giving my arms a rest!
Love you Abby!
And Tereiti and Jessie for giving me my very first baby clothes and girl outfits. I am forever grateful.

 As my stomach grows rounder and larger, I get more apprehensive and anxious about having a child of my own.  Even when I feel this lil one roll around and kick my stomach, I still feel somewhat disconnected.

As personal as this topic is, I'll share it since a few close friends went through some tough times these past few weeks. 

Sometimes I feel disconnected to babies because my little one growing wasn't supposed to make it past 4 months. In fact, none of my other ones have (won't share those stories publicly).  I've known for a few years that my fertility chances are not the highest.  Well, that they're not even likely. So going to the doctor after the first 6 weeks, only to hear that this one wasn't likely to make it, didn't exactly make me emotional, it just sucks hearing it….…..again.  So, I didn't prepare for her or think I'd make it to know she's a "her". I just planned to work low time when the 4 month mark hit, just in case I'd have to make an emergency hospital visit or make sure that I'd be home instead of working since I can't drive my Kui's standard truck, then I can at least call an ambulance or be home on Oahu to drive myself. It's not an emotional situation for me, I've prepared and carried-out this situation a few times in the past.    

I was blessed this time around.
Or maybe Kui just has some Olympic swimmers in him (he's gonna pull my hair when he reads this).

My point is that for my friends who have situations like this, don't feel like you're a failure. I've felt that way. I felt like I couldn't hold a marriage together, keep a stable life, be normal when it came to relationships, and wasn't physically able to grow life in me. Even if baby timing isn't right, right now, it'll happen. And when it does, you'll know that your self-doubts and insecurities about your body or worthiness to have kids is rubbish, and negativity that builds up because of all that is unnecessary and detrimental to yourself.

Therefore, if anyone gets irritated, annoyed, or negative at me posting up preggo posts of my growing stomach on my FB, then get over it. I'm making a baby. I'm proud of it too. 

By the way, I never knew maternity pants could be the best comfortable clothing item, created for women!
For the rest of my life, I just may buy these since they're so freakin' comfy and fit good.

*and only $20 from Target**

And I finally got a maternity uniform for work :-)

NEXT:

We'll probably be moving back home to Oahu in a month or so. 
The past few weeks have been super stressful figuring out where to live, when to move, what can be afforded, and when to stop working. My body feels like lead when I get off of a flight, even inter island flights. It takes an entire day for me to recuperate from a super swollen tummy, legs, feet, and all of that just from taking flights. With that said however, I won't be flying to any international places for the next 5 or 6 months. At all. 

and we got a set date to be "officially" together for the rest of our lives.
We're keeping the date to ourselves because I want it to be small, just like I said before.

PAU. 

The Birds and the Bees

I neglected to post up a whole lot since November, and for good reason.

The holidays, past few months, and everything was too special to post up every single moment. Thus, I'd rather keep those moments and memories for myself.

This year, 2014, is going be absolutely spectacular. 

I don't have any resolutions, and it's the first year I haven't made any. I figure, my only goal is to live. Moreso, to live in each moment. 

As much as I'd love to remember and share so many things, it's been quite liberating to leave my phone, DSLR canon, and even goPro at home and just focus on whatever moment I'm having. The past months I've been trying to fight the constant urge to show the entire world what I'm doing, where I'm doing it, or how I look lol (yes I do post selflies here and there, but not as often as before). 

That's my main goal. 

Live in each moment

Partially I made this goal because my posture is horrible from looking down at a phone 24/7, AND due to the fact that I miss important things, views, and moments going on around me because I'm so preoccupied with trying to capture it all on camera. 

Most of this goal will be to live in the moment of being a mom. 

Yup :-)

I'm GONNA BE A MOM!

expected on June 18, 2014. 

Today I make 5 months and 1 week:-)

And I'm so proud to announce that this baby is:

A girl :)

So are we getting married? Yes.
When? Idk. Sometime this year.

Some thoughts on marriage from me (mostly for all of my Mormon people who ask):

1. When we have one. I just want close family and close friends there. I'm not about to throw a festival for the entire Laie/Kahuku/Hauula to come, eat, and get entertained for free. 
2. I still have anxiety about marrying. However, this time I'm with the right person for me. It didn't work out for me the first time, but then again, second is the best ;-)
3. I'm more stressed about what island we're gonna live on, baby stuff, how the heck I'm gonna be a parent, work, etc.,. When we decide all of that, then we'll have a special day for us.
4. We're still Mormon. We go to church when we don't have to work. God still loves us.

TA-DAH! So if you feel the urge to ask, refer to my marriage reference points.

NEXT:

The whole point of this post is to explain my views on : THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

-----well, all I have to say about that is that it's a stupid analogy for procreation. Birds and bees can't reproduce so I'm not sure where that originated from. Wikipedia and Googlscholar don't know either.  Science and doctors are also wrong sometimes, especially in my case. They can tell you what your body is supposed to do and what it can't do, but when it comes down to it, it's all up to God.....and what he wants I guess.

For many reasons, I waited until I hit 5 months to announce anything publicly.  No, not out of religious or moral shame because we're both quite shameless at things we do. Moreso, because God and science work in some pretty mysterious ways.

I'll spare myself explaining my personal reproductive system, publicly, but just know that there were so many, MANY crazy circumstances and experiences regarding this little growing bundle of joy.
So no, it's not an accident. Far from it. It was unplanned, definitely, but an accident would entail us falling on each other "accidentally" and somehow creating life. Yeah. So don't ask if it's an accident either.

Lastly, I've been grateful to confide in my closest friends and family for help these past few months.
And some of the changes going on in my life have been:

1) I eat meat like a dinosaur.
2) My sweet tooth is gone and replaced by salt tooth
3) My boobs have grown :) ............sadly so have my thighs, stomach, bum,
and sides
4) All car rides = motion sickness
5) I LOVE wearing leggings and skirts........because my pants don't fit :(
6) I've slept like a hibernating bear for the past few months
7) I still get morning sickness :-/ and daytime sickness and nighttime sickness. fml.

SO

I wanted to say how much I feel loved. I feel so loved. I'm incredibly lucky that I'm surrounded by loving and supporting parents, siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends on both sides.
But, our families and parents really are the best ever.

PAU