Half-Mom - for mom day

Quick catch up:

1. Moved back to Oahu this past weekend to start our bebe "nesting"
2. On Maternity leave as of last week Thursday (May 1)
3. New home on the beach
4. 34 weeks as of yesterday

It's a decent backyard :)

There's nothing quite like being pregnant……..at the BEGINNING of summer :-/

• Always swollen & fluid retention: Feet, toes, hands, legs, etc.,.
• Living up my last month and a half of looooong uninterrupted sleep for the next few years
• Still no crazy cravings….but every excuse to scarf down acai bowls
• CARPAL TUNNEL
• Who knew putting on shoes could be so challenging, let alone bending forward to grab anything off the ground
• Constant Heat Flashes (glad it's not menopause), but ALWAYS hot!
• My outings are centered where the nearest bathrooms are so I can take a leak every half and hour

In about a month or so, I'm going to be a mom. 

A MOM! 

I don't have stretch marks……..YET……. and when they kick in these next few weeks, I'm still gonna wear my two-peice to the beach. I don't care if my body is stretched out or if I'm flabby. It's a miracle I'm pregnant so I'm gonna rock my swimsuit and still get on my surfboard, regardless of how my body looks.  It's whatevs. 

AND

Mother's Day. 

I don't feel know if I can celebrate this holiday because she's not born yet. So I'll just say I'm a half mom, and when she's born then I'll be a full mom :-)

To be completely honest, I'm more scared to be a mother than I am excited.  I know what I want her to wear, the kind of style I have in mind, and every type of Petunia Pickle Bottom Baby bags…….but ask me how to feed a baby, find diaper sizes, or hold an infant properly, and I have no clue. I have so many hesitations and doubts about my 'mom' abilities. Moreso, I'm afraid I won't be a fraction of the kind of mom, my mama is. . 

I'm not gonna write a post on generic, flattery adjectives about her, or the usual: "I have the best mom in the world" or "my mom is better than yours" or "to the most amazing woman on earth" and blah blah blah…..I'd rather just write about what my mom has done for me.  

Dancing is one of the only talents/traits we have in common. I love watching her dance. She can also sing (as do all of her siblings - sing so beautifully too). My cousins inherited those singing abilities (Sikas, Ishibashis, Kanaheles) while us Snows, well, negative on us trying to harmonize or attempting to sing out loud. 

My mom and her siblings (from left to right: Uncle Keenan, Aunty Tina, Aunty Jolene, Aunty Jeniel, My mom, uncle Juney)

My mom and I are opposite ends of the spectrum. I've given my mom so much grief, stress, and what little grey hairs she may have, are probably from me. All of us kids have gone through our rebel days, its just that mines left, AND came back AFTER I became an adult, and those "days" turned into the past few years. Yet, despite being her 'prodigal' child, my mom has never failed to love me, and let me know that she'd always be there to be my mom.

After my senior year of high school, I seldomly talked to my mom or my dad.  My parents were planning a move to Utah and literally left after my graduation ceremony ended because they had complicated house building plans and blueprints to sort out there while I was still at Kamehameha.  For so many selfish reasons, I refused to want any part of my own family, and wouldn't even care to talk to my parents or my mom when they were struggling or going through a hard time themselves. I alienated my own self since I was still stuck here in Hawaii being stubborn and resenting them for being so busy working and building a house in another state.  I convinced myself for years that they didn't care about me, any of my school or other senior year accomplishments because they weren't really involved, or they were flying back and forth to the mainland to sort out house stuff, leaving me with Darah at home. 

In fact, after I graduated, I had convinced myself that they didn't care about me at all. All because of my ignorance and resentments from high school. 

Most of my college life felt like that until I got engaged and hastily married. 

During those years, my parents still loved me and supported me even if they didn't approve of my decisions.  

After I moved to Australia, I felt the most lonesome I've ever felt in my life. 

It was depression on a whole different level. Not necessarily due to my marriage because my then-husband worked really hard to provide, but because I realized how incredibly valuable my family were, when I was in another country and had NONE. 

My parents flew down for my temple sealing in Brisbane. 

And during those two weeks they were there, my heart was incredibly softened, and then I felt so terrible for how I'd treated them for the past 3 years prior to me getting married.  My mom held my hand and even comforted me the entire time, and I bawled my eyes out when they had to leave.

It made me realize that all those years I'd resented them for missing out on me going into college life, and adulthood, that I'd forced myself to easily forget ALL the things they'd worked so hard for to help me and to show me how much they love me.  

When we moved back to Hawaii, my dad and mom commuted for 4-5 hours daily from Turtle Bay into Hickam (my dad got a 2 bedroom condo and lived with us) just so that we would have a place to live for free, and would be taken care of while we were adjusting moving back home and going to school. 

When my marriage ended, my mom had not one negative thing or comment to say about us. She just listened to me cry or vent for hours, and wouldn't say a hurtful or negative word about any of the situation or people involved. Instead, she was even more loving and compassionate to me and to him, and offered any kind of love or understanding she could give. 

When I told her I was pregnant (I told her at 4 months preggo (January), and just flashed an ultrasound pic at her and said, "TA-DAH!") I thought for sure she'd choke me, but instead she just loved me.  The past few months, she never asked when we'd get married or even pushed the subject (even though everyone else did who AREN'T even my own parents) because she knew it was still kind of a sensitive topic for me. 

I'm not one for being emotional. My family knows I don't show any feelings unless those feelings are anger or irritation haha. I do however, greatly regret letting a few years go by and not recognizing or even remotely appreciating everything my own mother has done. She doesn't ever recognize herself or give herself credit for an entire lifetime of accomplishments. When my dad retired as a Colonel from the Air National Guard in January, my mom didn't take any credit for all the years she had stood by my dad's side and helped him to accomplish his dreams as a pilot, while taking care of an immaculately clean house (yes sometimes she'd wake us up at 5 am to clean the bathrooms), and trying to support all 4 of us kids in any activities or sporting events we had, especially when she was alone and my dad was flying or working.   

Emi, Darah, Mom, Me

Now that I'm about to be a mom, I cannot help but be eternally grateful that God gave me her. 

She's the sweetest Grandma (maybe too sweet because sometimes I lick my poor nephew when he gets away with things that I KNOW we would've been slapped for when we were little) Sorry Darah**. 

And mostly, I'm not a parent yet, so I don't know how hard it must've been for my own mom to watch us grow, become adults, and watch us struggle or go through trials knowing that it's because of our decisions even though she taught us so much better. 

I love my mom.

For this reason, I'm scared my own daughter is going to be just like me :-( 

I'd rather have her turn out like my sisters and sister in law who are nicer, more patient, and a lot more compassionate than I am. They're also super women in my eyes. Darah worked full-time and went to school full-time up until the day she gave birth. The day AFTER she gave birth, she left the hospital for an hour to give one of her class presentations and went back :-/ Emi had such huge pregnancy and body complications with her kids, and now she's got 4 under the age of 4 and works part-time. Dani (married to my brother) is a fitness beast. She coached softball, did sprints, had her 6pack abs all the way up until 7-8 months pregnant. And she still worked, went out, and is STILL fit (slap her butt, trust me, your hand will hurt)

AND:

I'm more grateful that (we've got a wedding date set, but I'm keeping those details to myself) I get to inherit a second mom who reminds me almost exactly of my own (NO wonder me and Kuikala are so much alike and ended up together hahaha - our poor moms).

Since I've been with Kui, his mom has treated me just like her own and made me feel like I've always been part of their family. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have her :-)

By the way, if anyone knows a place or property to rent on north shore, by all means, let me know :-) I'm looking for a huge yard or property with a huge space *hint* or huge grassy area that ISN'T Kekela Beach or an insanely expensive vacation rental. 

Happy Mother's Day Weekend to our mamas.

PAU